Yet Another "First"

I very distinctly remember this day last year.  Her birthday.  I'd just hung up from singing happy birthday to Mom on her voice mail.  (She was apparently at the casino. 😆)  As I thought about her now being 66, I got a pit in my stomach.  "Now she's closer to 70 than 60" I thought.  Knowing that Grandma's cognitive decline started becoming more noticeable at 70 before her dementia diagnosis, my heart raced knowing I would need to prepare myself for what may come next over the coming years.  Or what if she became basically immobile as she aged?  The Mr can't lift over 50 lbs due to his heart condition.  My shoulders have always been a problem spot and I have crap grip strength so between us, neither of us would be able to move her.  We have two stories so she couldn't move in with us because she moved to an apartment ranch because she couldn't do stairs anymore.  We couldn't afford to put her anywhere and relying solely on her retirement, what kind of place could she afford to be?  No, not fun thoughts to have on her birthday but I was smacked by all of the potential future problems that those caring for aging parents face.  I was panicked wondering what we were facing in the coming years with her.

She wouldn't have years.  

She had three weeks before the birthday catastrophizing became an agonizing, traumatizing whirlwind reality of what would become the last month of her life.  That "future" threat that gnawed at me this day last year, wasn't in the future at all.  To quote Bill Paxton from Twister..."it's already here."  

I don't know that I'll ever be able to look at her birthday with happiness because of the thoughts and fears I experienced on her last one that flung me into a trauma I could never imagine.  I don't need a pep talk about that.  If it happens and I am somehow able to one day look at it as happy, great but for this year, it marks a countdown to the fastest descent into Hell I've ever known.  One that has mentally, emotionally and physically changed me to my core forever.  I am more than happy to look at the smiling pictures of a beautiful life taken too soon but I refuse to not share the reality of what this day now means to me.  

Happy birthday Mom.  I love and miss you. 🎂

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