Desperation Makes for Bad Choices

*Note: this was written during a moderate depressive episode mid-March*

I don't even know where to begin.  How about I just throw this out there and work backward...I am 38 lbs higher than the lowest weight I've ever seen in this "journey."  Let me give a time frame for this.  

February 25, 2017 is when I saw that low and I saw it for a day.  (I saw it once or twice a few years earlier but never for more than a day.)  I was always consistently 5-6 lbs over that but I have to count it as my lowest even if I literally blinked and it was gone.

By September 2019, I was 12 lbs higher.  It wasn't the end of the world but I knew we needed to reign it in, especially when in 4 months, I gained another 9 lbs by years end.  

As I looked back on that time period (the 9 lb gain) on my 'one happy year' journal to see if there were any events that might've triggered anything.  At first glance, nothing seemed like it should've been stuff I stress ate over until you list it all out.  We were still in the midst of finishing the basement, particularly the laundry side which was a huge pain.  The Mr was studying for a test but it was over and he passed by that time.  My friend's mom (and my second mom) was dying of cancer just two months after her dad had passed from it too.  Oh wait, we did vacation during that time.  Crap.  My friend had to cancel her wedding because of her mom's death and we went on the fall trip we originally cancelled to attend her wedding.  I was having a lot of stress with laptop issues, and some family stuff on the Mr's side.    Then went on another long weekend trip.  A Christmas/bday gift that was quite expensive went awry for his mom and I think after weeks of dealing with it, I probably face planted into a few extra Christmas cookies.  Then started a bit of our living room reno stuff like making a shelf for the pass through, and made 2 weeks worth of meals for my pregnant friend.  Mom was being a poop on Christmas Eve before she even got in the door so I probably face planted hard into leftovers when she left since I hadn't begun medicating with wine because the pandemic hadn't happened yet.  Okay.  So when I look at all of that, I basically was a cortisol factory for those four months and then we know what happened in 2020 coupled with eating Vermont for the holidays because we were being forced to have a certain kind of holiday.  I know where this leads.  Well, actually, I'll tell you where it led...to an additional 17 pandemic/vacation pounds.  That would be 38 lbs higher than the lowest I saw in 2017 and 26 higher than when I started 2020.  It is beyond unacceptable and it's not like we even stopped exercising either.  We were still exercising 5-6 days a week but our stamina was horrible compared to pre-pandemic and our self worth was plummeting.

As we approached our 25th anniversary, I was like "I should get a nice dress."  Do you know how IMPOSSIBLE it is for someone who is disproportionate on top and bottom to find something in their size when they're fat?  So just like when I f**ked myself being a fat bride, I f**ked myself out of a 25th anniversary dress that I didn't have to settle for.  25 damn years and I hadn't learned a thing.  To add to that, I was having some issues that were directly related to weight gain that had me in pain for over four months which is another post.  I didn't know how I could have this problem now but not when I was almost 200 lbs heavier.  The Mr was also incredibly frustrated with his weight gain and made the same suggestion he's made in the past when we get to that point.  "We should do cabbage soup."  

You know as well as I do if you've been here for a long time, fad diets are NOT our thing.  We know "the weight will come back and that it's water weight the scale 'rewards' you with."  We know it's not a long term thing.  However, the Mr did it twice back in high school along with the egg diet for a month and lost 50 lbs and kept it off for a year.  (He worked a regular job and didn't exercise but to be fair, he was 18.)  I always turn him down flat or consider it for a few minutes to be nice and throw out alternatives.  Something in the desperation in his voice about how embarrassed he would be when they start calling people back to work and how he was tired of seeing me in such pain with my issue, made me think of it for more than a few minutes.  When he went up to bed, I looked up the recipe.  We eat Brussels sprouts all of the time, this couldn't be much different, could it?  After a few minutes, I was adding items to an Amazon Fresh order and thought "if I sink $100 into this and hit order, then I HAVE to do it."  That's exactly what I did.

I don't think any of you will ever know what it has taken me to admit this especially when I think I know how it's going to end.  You know that our desperation is off the charts for me to agree to it.  I am sobbing as I type.  The constant stress of this pandemic has completely stalled my already slug like metabolism.  Nothing I did worked and I tried all of the calorie ranges.  My water still sucked but even the few times it didn't suck for a few weeks here and there, it's not like it made a difference.  I was starting to consider things I knew I would regret and this stupid one week meal plan was the safest one, believe it or not.  I knew, I would likely regret it but what was ordered was ordered.  Then when it came, it was time to get down to business.  To say the Mr was surprised to be greeted by an email I sent at 1am saying "enjoy today, we start cabbage soup tomorrow" was probably an understatement.  

I blogged my experience daily which I will include in one post tomorrow.  Yes, that means it's done and has been for almost a month so no need to tell me what a bad idea it is or judge us for it...too late!

😝

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