tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post418165383777877562..comments2024-03-27T20:40:50.047-04:00Comments on Success Along the Weigh: "We really should stop" Part 2Anele @ Success Along the Weighhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03986921867517926199noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-46429692724971175652014-04-26T21:27:32.505-04:002014-04-26T21:27:32.505-04:00I'm so glad something I was able to share was ...I'm so glad something I was able to share was able to help you. I had to do the same with the Mr's family in the earlier days. I would spend weeks before an event physically ill, be miserable while there then take 3-5 days to recover/analyze the whole thing. Finally I had to say no more when we got scammed by the immediate family on getting us to an event. Now we see them on our own terms and it seems to work. We get slammed behind our backs but that happens regardless of what we do so might as well do things our way if we're going to get talked about anyway, right? ;-)Anele @ Success Along the Weighhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03986921867517926199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-63708720073625052932014-04-26T19:44:17.977-04:002014-04-26T19:44:17.977-04:00Thank you for sharing this post. For years, I have...Thank you for sharing this post. For years, I have grappled with a similar issue with certain parts of my family. I have worried that I am not a good person because I am not willing to put myself into situations where I will be treated like crap. Reading your reflection on your visit with your grandparents helped me to reframe how I feel about my relationships with some members of my family. You are right - "Most importantly, make peace with the situation in a way that makes you comfortable." Thank you for helping me (again) through your honesty and willingness to share with us.Jennifer Bhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06848201953191810867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-18604197594184589432014-04-25T09:11:30.535-04:002014-04-25T09:11:30.535-04:00I feel the same, beautiful lady! <3I feel the same, beautiful lady! <3Anele @ Success Along the Weighhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03986921867517926199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-54474359727024154682014-04-25T08:28:40.377-04:002014-04-25T08:28:40.377-04:00You are an awesome person and I am so glad I met y...You are an awesome person and I am so glad I met you.DebbieShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10858139788709675770noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-47654940707171837502014-04-24T14:42:32.522-04:002014-04-24T14:42:32.522-04:00Wow, this is some story. Maybe putting it all out...Wow, this is some story. Maybe putting it all out there in black and white for us to read is somewhat helpful to you? You've certainly got the right perspective, and reading all of this gave me many good reminders of how and how not to react to my own family "stuff". Thank you for sharing what I am sure was a difficult story to share. Box it up now if you can, and go forward toward all the happiness and peace you and your husband deserve.Judyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02166115538135041148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-43198776482969636772014-04-23T20:48:44.245-04:002014-04-23T20:48:44.245-04:00I believe the same. Obviously in a perfect world,...I believe the same. Obviously in a perfect world, we'd all get along, respect each others feelings and be supportive whether we agreed or not but that's not the case for everyone. I think if a relationship with your sister is toxic then it's got no place in your life. I don't think you're a weirdo at all. I love my dad but I realized that I talk about him in the past tense and he's still alive. He just doesn't have it in him to be a dad and hasn't really been in that role since my wedding day where he walked me down the aisle but I refused to let him "give me away" because I didn't feel I was his to give. I'm glad you're in a healthy place and can not be held down by the dead weight your family became. You deserve it.Anele @ Success Along the Weighhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03986921867517926199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-51912509091319870742014-04-23T20:36:45.250-04:002014-04-23T20:36:45.250-04:00Yes, it is hard but it seems other can relate or b...Yes, it is hard but it seems other can relate or be helped by the situation so I felt it was important to share it. I don't understand when adults blame children for things, it's the most juvenile thing THEY can do. I went through the same thing with my dad about if I was just X, he'd love me more. If I was a boy (he was a big outdoorsman) he'd love me more. Well no, because he had a stepson and he screwed that up ROYAL. If this, if that. One day I was just like "you know what, it's not me, it's HIM and I think I can actually be okay with that and forgive him and stop putting this burden on my shoulders." I'm glad you were able to tell him you loved him when he was sick. That can do so much to help you heal as you go forward. I feel the same way that if they died tomorrow, I would feel better having visited them.Anele @ Success Along the Weighhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03986921867517926199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-79417339837691365232014-04-23T20:04:52.862-04:002014-04-23T20:04:52.862-04:00I'm firm believer that it's not necessary...I'm firm believer that it's not necessary to have a relationship with family members just because you are related. I haven't spoken to my sister in 14 years and I'm very comfortable with that. I don't wish her any ill will, but I also know any relationship would be unhealthy and toxic, so I choose not to have one. Same goes for most members of my family as they shunned me a long time ago. The anger is gone, and for the most part the hurt is too. These aren't people that I would choose to be in relationship with if they weren't family, so I don't feel that I should just because we share some DNA. So many people think I'm the biggest weirdo and think I'm cold because of my feelings on this, and I'm ok with that because in a way I can understand their perspective. But I also know that they don't know the details of what life was like, and even if they did the 'blood is thicker than water' concept is alive and well. I don't hold any resentment towards those sentiments because I'm in a healthy place with how I feel and feel free more than anything. For me, forgiveness means letting go of the hope that the past could have been different (it stops the mental hamster wheel from going and going). They are who they are, and I have no desire to try to change them. I just choose to focus on healthy relationships and they don't fit that bill. dalbador1https://www.blogger.com/profile/09877799102438622117noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-78618872958826049792014-04-23T13:48:49.453-04:002014-04-23T13:48:49.453-04:00It was a cliff hanger!! Thank you as always for s...It was a cliff hanger!! Thank you as always for sharing. It is hard to put yourself out there, but you gotta get it out. So much of what you said resonated with me. Isn't weird how grown ass adults blame children for things. That was my dad, a very disconnected and sad relationship we had, everything was my fault, even though he left my mom, was an alcoholic, and general asshole. We lived in the same town after the divorce, just a few minutes a part but rarely spoke. He added nothing to my life and I had to face it. Yes, I spent many years believing that is I was more successful, or skinnier or whatever I thought, he would love me, but after some therapy, I know it isn't true He is dead now and though I don't miss him, because he was not a part of my life, I am glad that when I found out he was sick I told him I loved him, because I did not matter what. I am glad you saw your grandparents, and now you can decide what kind of relationship if any you want to have but if they leave this earth tomorrow, then you know you did the good thing!!!Sandy Mhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00585995878195316416noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-20951700818246572122014-04-23T10:09:32.433-04:002014-04-23T10:09:32.433-04:00Yep, all of that is true. I did this with them on...Yep, all of that is true. I did this with them once before about 8-10 years ago and the result was similar. Happiness in the moment from them but nothing changed. This time I felt it was important she know I still held those memories dear because I feel like they don't have a whole lot of time left. I did what I had to do for me and I welcome more but don't expect it. I think with some people you have to throw normal expectations out the door.Anele @ Success Along the Weighhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03986921867517926199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-53828172285412006442014-04-23T10:07:09.722-04:002014-04-23T10:07:09.722-04:00Yeah, mellow is apparently not in his vocabulary. ...Yeah, mellow is apparently not in his vocabulary. ;-) I feel bad for her too but I know that she knows no different and when you're with someone for that long, personality traits can rub off on each other. She was kind of mimicking his sentiments on some of rant and I don't know if she knows what it means to have her own thoughts anymore than aren't influenced by him. Sigh.<br /><br />Well, technically you DID have the option with your dad but you're a good person and that tie meant more to you than how much you disliked doing it. By NO means is Du's cancer, YOUR penance!! God/karma or whatever you believe in doesn't work that way. <br /><br />It sounds like you're doing a good job making sure your immediate family is close and that's what matters.Anele @ Success Along the Weighhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03986921867517926199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-7361809757533273032014-04-23T09:51:37.799-04:002014-04-23T09:51:37.799-04:00Girl let it all out! I read somewhere about taking...Girl let it all out! I read somewhere about taking advice from people, YOU are the one that has to live with the consequences of YOUR decisions/actions. So you have to make sure to do what is best for you, not what everyone else wants you to do. You know what is in your heart, what you can (or want to) handle and in the end that is what matters. You have to live with yourself and your decisions on a daily basis, not them. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about decisions you made for your own well being.<br /><br />I can empathize with so much of this and I know how brave you are to share thins. Thank you. I'm so glad you stopped so that you can get rid of any guilt you were feeling. Hugs dear friend!BrandNewBuffyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02831025867273966818noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-42811613911252678212014-04-23T09:49:45.471-04:002014-04-23T09:49:45.471-04:00So sorry that Gramps didn't mellow over the ye...So sorry that Gramps didn't mellow over the years. Sounds like he got even worse. I think you are wise to choose not to make return visits. If it causes you pain, it's just not worth it. I feel sorry for your Grandma, but I suppose after all these years she is used to him. Perhaps you could meet her for lunch ALONE sometime?<br /><br />My dad and my brother had a fight, and did not speak for the last 15 years of Dad's life. I know my brother has awful guilt about it, and I feel badly for him. I have my own guilt to live with. When dad was in hospice in his home and I was the main caregiver, I hated it. I resented it and even though I never said it in words and always had a smile on my face when I was with him, he could sense my attitude. Sometimes I wonder if Du's illness (the same prostate cancer that killed Dad) is God's payback for my bad attitude with Dad. My dad was a little bit like your granddad, he was opinionated and not afraid to share those non PC ideas that he and so many of that WWII generation share. Like you, I listened and usually didn't argue. It was just easier. But I didn't have the option of NOT visiting him, he was my dad, he had cut ties with my brother, my only sibling, and when Dad went into hospice, I was the only one who could take care of him. Because I did that, perhaps I should bury that guilt. After all, my brother didn't even try, although I'm sure my Dad would have slammed the door in his face if he had. Families aren't easy are they?<br /><br />I work hard to make sure my boys stay close with me, with their dad and with each other, and tell them not to argue to the point they decide not to have contact with each other. I endured that with my dad and my brother and it was awful.There are small spats, but nothing major, and right now with Du's illness, it is so important to me that we all stay close and supportive of each other. So far so good.....dupsterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18088114640385927198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-47651468550764508372014-04-23T09:26:21.401-04:002014-04-23T09:26:21.401-04:00Friendships can be just as slippery a slope, can&#...Friendships can be just as slippery a slope, can't it? After all, they're the ones you chose to surround yourself with. I dealt with the same thing a few times and I'm always reminded of that "reason, season, lifetime" poem. (http://www.delilah.com/pages/poems.html?feed=379913&article=6472209) I hope you can read that and realize that even though it hurts, sometimes understanding what purpose those people served in our lives can help.<br /><br />Thanks so much!Anele @ Success Along the Weighhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03986921867517926199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-87207883220319607792014-04-23T09:18:55.590-04:002014-04-23T09:18:55.590-04:00I would go to lunch with her but I know there'...I would go to lunch with her but I know there's no way I can ask her without him coming along. Maybe I could suggest a "girls lunch" or something. I know nothing new will come of this and I didn't expect it too. It was more for me to be able to tell her that I had good times with her as a kid and I still remembered. I'm not some heartless monster like they like to make me out to be.<br /><br />I'm glad you have it less dramatic with your family. It's a blessing for sure! Anele @ Success Along the Weighhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03986921867517926199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-77193163484469419532014-04-23T09:14:31.238-04:002014-04-23T09:14:31.238-04:00That sounds like one branch of my mom's dad...That sounds like one branch of my mom's dad's family tree. I hear all of these stories about how wonderful Christmases were when my mom was a kid and a lot of it had to do with that branch. We only saw them at family reunions for the most part once I came along. When I was about 13, this great aunt's kids starting not coming to family reunions. It was a shame because they were nice people...rich too which lead some of us to believe they may have thought they were better than us. The last 8 years of that great aunts life, she stopped coming too despite all of us offering to come pick her up and bring her home, so there was no excuse except some magical other commitment she had even when we'd give her 4 months notice. After a while, you just stop asking because you're tired of getting shot down. In the end, they're the ones missing out and it's a shame.Anele @ Success Along the Weighhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03986921867517926199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-51182109177828459992014-04-23T09:10:34.004-04:002014-04-23T09:10:34.004-04:00So many of us do. We worry about what other peopl...So many of us do. We worry about what other people will think of us if we don't live up to some standard that they themselves rarely live up to. (Wow, that just blew my own mind in reference to this situation. I think I'm keeping that in my back pocket if I need it! LOL)<br /><br />You know what? Everyone has choices to make and they have to take responsibility for those choices. You may have come along a little earlier than they would've planned but you hardly messed up everyone's life and if anyone makes you think you have, it's because they're pissed off at themselves and need a scapegoat. I, for one, am glad you came along and just think, if you hadn't, your wonderful kids and grandbaby wouldn't be here. Anele @ Success Along the Weighhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03986921867517926199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-18852294590129010222014-04-23T09:04:34.267-04:002014-04-23T09:04:34.267-04:00Thanks for sharing. I have similar issues in my fa...Thanks for sharing. I have similar issues in my family, but what I've found worse is long time friends that I've realized aren't really my friends. After many years I've decided to stop trying, since they aren't and have no desire to, and move on. It's sad, but best to move on than continue to wallow in disappointment. With family it's harder to let go. Congratulations on the impromptu stop and sharing what you wanted to share with them. <br />Thanks again for sharing on your blog. I agree with previous commenters and your husband that they are the ones who missed out. Lisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05581253958511238775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-1531384024615408752014-04-23T08:57:20.878-04:002014-04-23T08:57:20.878-04:00I'm glad you stopped - it was the right thing ...I'm glad you stopped - it was the right thing to do. I would like to hope that she will call you to go to lunch or something (without him) now that you've made this first contact. I do get the reality though that old habits are easier than new ones so things probably won't change. If your perspective has changed, and now you feel ok about not seeing them then that's the important thing here.<br /><br />I'm fortunate in that my family is easy. It's just me and my folks and there's no problem there. I was never close with my extended family because they always lived so far away and in a time of expensive long distance calls and a time before skype geography mattered more. Hubby's dad is totally out of the picture and his side has some issues, but those that want to stay in touch do.another layerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15756727485274694135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-64713623812468105032014-04-23T08:53:21.723-04:002014-04-23T08:53:21.723-04:00You are ALWAYS worth it. I"m sorry that was ...You are ALWAYS worth it. I"m sorry that was such a strained reunion. I have an aunt and uncle on my mom's side and I haven't seen them since my grampap (mom's dad) passed. I've tried SOOO many times to keep in touch, keep them in the loop, invited to bdays and picnics, and if they respond at all, it's usually, "we're busy." I guess we're just not worth it. hollyphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04599122252238787250noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-91107727688892819032014-04-23T08:23:51.949-04:002014-04-23T08:23:51.949-04:00I am glad you shared all of this. You've real...I am glad you shared all of this. You've really got me thinking. "Most importantly, make peace with the situation in a way that makes you comfortable." What a concept for me - I always worry about everyone else's comfort.<br /><br />My mom started dating my dad on the rebound from a long-term relationship. She was attracted to him because he was a "bad boy". He told people he married her because it was the only way he could get into her pants. I was born 9 months and 4 days after they were married. I always felt like I messed up everyone's life - still do. I think they both would have called it a day during that first year if I wasn't already on the way.DebbieShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10858139788709675770noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-67081901254343225902014-04-23T08:06:21.632-04:002014-04-23T08:06:21.632-04:00That's for sure. Thanks for reading my long w...That's for sure. Thanks for reading my long winded recounting of it. :-)Anele @ Success Along the Weighhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03986921867517926199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-87419907495671151482014-04-23T08:05:46.268-04:002014-04-23T08:05:46.268-04:00Thank you so much for the kind words! I expect no...Thank you so much for the kind words! I expect nothing relationship wise from them because of my visit but hope that my grandma heard that I do have memories of her that I still think about and hold dear. It was important to me that she knew that. My only regret is we didn't have the camera that day so there's no picture of us together. I think the last pic I have of us together, I was 16. I'll just have to hold it in my memory.Anele @ Success Along the Weighhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03986921867517926199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-57502122969294590552014-04-23T08:03:05.267-04:002014-04-23T08:03:05.267-04:00Thanks for the support. I'm sorry it was such...Thanks for the support. I'm sorry it was such a long, one sided visit but we've come to expect that from that side of the family. I'm glad we stopped. I think I can feel okay with things from this point on knowing that I've been the one to put forth a bit of effort when the spirit moved me. We've done this before out of the blue but it just seemed more important lately and seeing all of the pills they have to take now just kind of made it feel like it was truly the last time I could see them. I would let the "being old" excuse fly these days but given they literally just got back from driving for an hour (two hours total) to not even spend Easter with the entire family, it doesn't cut it. I don't expect it to go anywhere from here but my conscience is somewhat eased. I can confidently finally agree with what you've been telling me for 20 years...their loss.Anele @ Success Along the Weighhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03986921867517926199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381223979507114346.post-35290479565912752322014-04-23T07:44:55.019-04:002014-04-23T07:44:55.019-04:00Sounds like a bittersweet day, glad you shared it,...Sounds like a bittersweet day, glad you shared it, thank you!Dawnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07818785860858381950noreply@blogger.com