Thursday, February 19, 2015
When goals change
When I started, I was 494 lbs. (Damn it still feels weird to type that.) What's also weird to type is at 283 lbs, I'm also at a weight that are many people's "before" or that number that makes them smack themselves in the forehead and say "damn...I've gotta do something." That kind of sucks. It kind of makes it feel like that 211 lbs off doesn't mean much when people don't know your back story. But I can't compare myself to someone else's expectation of what I should weigh. I know how hard I've worked up to this point and the maintenance that's happened to keep most of it off.
When I began, I chose my "goal weight" as 170 lbs. It was the high end of normal for someone my height and I would probably teeter between normal and overweight on the doctors scale for the rest of my life and that was something I was totally fine with. As things have slowed to a crawl over the past few years, I've had to reassess whether or not that elusive number was something that was something I wanted hanging over me. In the past getting into the 100's was something that I felt like I had to do just once in my married life. Like somehow hitting that set of numbers was going to make unicorns fly out of my butt.
When I think to a time when I was happy with my body, that number was 220 lbs. That's what I weighed when I went to prom and when I look at prom pics, I would love that body again. Yes, I know it will be older, more wrinkled and baggy and such and that's okay with me. When I was in high school, I dieted and lost 35 lbs before prom and felt good. The Mr has always liked a girl with more meat on her bones (I bet he didn't count on having the whole butcher shop at my heaviest but God love him, he stuck with me) but he's always said he's not sure he would like me at 170 pounds. Boy wouldn't that be a kick in the butt to get to that elusive "goal weight" only to have your hubby wish you had another 20-30 pounds on ya? HA!
I've still got that prom dress and my goal is to get back into it. At 220 lbs, a LOT more options will open up for me as far as activities we want to do that have a weight limit. Ziplining on Maui is something we've always wanted to do and the weight limit is 240 lbs. I can't zip nekkid so I need to give myself some cushion between wearing clothes and salt intake of Hawaiian food. Parasailing would be nice and the weight limit is similar. If we want to do tandem we both couldn't be over 225 lbs each. I'd like to be able to rent any kind of kayak I want on vacation and those usually have a 250 lb limit. Indoor skydiving, horseback riding...all of these things have similar weight limits and I'm tired of my weight limiting me.
I may never see the 100's and in order to live a fulfilling life, I don't need to. But to live the kind of life I want to live without limits, I will need to get 63 more pounds off and trust me that sounds way better and more doable than 113 more pounds. Once I get to 220 lbs, if I lose more, I lose more but I'm not going to feel bad about myself for never getting to Hundie Town. (I refuse to call it "Onderland"...that phrase makes me want to puke) I just want to break through that last barrier that is holding me, no, us back. When I was dreaming about being that person kayaking the Hanalei one day and then that dream came true, I should've used that inspiration to kick myself in the ass two years ago. But I need to remember how that feels and how wonderful it would feel to do all of those awesome things I'm still dreaming of doing in Hawaii.
Do you have a goal weight? Has it changed as your journey has changed?
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