Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Not up for the judgment game



We have had a very busy month and tonight is the last of our official birthday entertaining.  We said that we really want to start to watch things closer and committed to doing that long before this week came along.  I don't know what happened but some parties got their wires crossed and each thought the other invited the Mr and I to a dinner on Monday night.  There was no mention of it until the day before but we weren't up for it, had other plans that we'd been looking forward to and honestly, we didn't want to break our re-commitment to ourselves.  I was already going to seriously have to flip around some stuff for today's entertaining to stay in my calorie range and I wasn't in the mood to juggle another night at a place both of us hate.  One was trying to guilt us into it by saying it was important to them but apparently not important enough to send out a reminder a few days or a week before.  Regardless of the mix up, we were looking forward to our plans which were important to us so pffft.

It's not just the lack of thought on their part, I was in no mood to deal with the crap that tends to come along when we order the healthiest fare they offer at a restaurant.  Yes, we could've just given in, gotten salads or something like that but we're not in the mood to juggle a week night sodium fest, passing up bread baskets, being looked at like lame-o's because we're the only ones eating healthy and such.  I don't understand why some people seem to get so offended when others have committed to living a healthy lifestyle.  They don't even need to come out and say anything, it's in the uncomfortable shift in their seats when they order deep fried whatever and we order baked salmon with asparagus with no butter and water to drink.  It's the roll of the eyes when you pass up dessert or even a bite of someone else's, not because you're trying to make everyone else look bad but because you've meticulously planned your calories for the night and sticking to them is more important than making someone else feel better about their own food choices.  People seem to feel like they need to explain why they ordered what they did..."oh, I figured a night off of good eating was in order" or " I didn't eat breakfast and have been saving up all day for this."

Guess what, I don't give a crap!  I don't care why you're eating what you're eating.  Just like you shouldn't care or feel somehow shamed by us eating what we choose to eat.  Do I know the calories or fat grams on your dish?  Probably.  But not out of judging, it's because I saw it on the menu earlier and I have a stupid ability to remember the most high cal dishes on the menu just as I memorize three choices that will keep us on track.  Would I ever tell someone that?  Hell no!  They seem to be irritated enough that we know the calorie count of our own dish, no reason to heighten the paranoia about theirs.  Some people will never get it and that's fine.  I remember the days when I resented people for ordering something healthy and making me feel like a cow for ordering something I wanted regardless of the calorie count.  I don't know if that's how these people feel but it's the vibe they give off when we sit there in silence sometimes.  Or the awkward way someone grabs another roll by either trying to get one on the sly or make a comment about why they're having another one.

Eat a roll!  I promise I don't care.

That night, we had a damn fine shrimp dish that we both really loved and had a great workout and for us, that was more fulfilling.  That and not succumbing to peer pressure at the last minute when we've already done so much this month.  I'm sure I'm on someone's shit list right now but ask me if I care.  We put our health first that night both nutritionally and mentally.  I don't care if it's not the popular choice, it's the choice we made for ourselves and I can't feel anything but good about it.

Have you ever felt judged by what you ordered at a group gathering?  (Whether you ordered something healthy or not)

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15 comments:

  1. It is sad when you are just trying to eat right and you get judged for it. Not even trying to come off as holier than thou but its like people feel judged just because we order something healthy and then they maybe feel backed into a corner and have to strike back. It's not going to get in our way though!

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    1. No it's not. It doesn't seem to matter whether it's people who have or haven't committed to eating well, I get the same vibe. That's fine if the people who usually eat healthy want a night off or whatever but stop justifying it, I don't care. The only time I care is when you stuff your face full of 2 plates of crap and a few servings of dessert then pat your gut and moan about how full you are and how much more exercise you now have to do. THAT is irritating.

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  2. I know I am judged by my SILs no matter what I eat. They think they know best about everything. I also try to avoid eating alone in a restaurant at all costs, because I feel judged there too.

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    1. Oh there's nothing worse than the food police or people who act holier than thou when it comes to food. Whether its a look, saying something or starting to prattle on about how the way they eat is far superior. Eating alone can be awkward because you know people are thinking "aww, poor thing!" I'd be willing to bet 90% of the time people want the peace and quiet. We should envy the people willing to brave a restaurant, movie, concert or other activity viewed as 'social' because they're living life whether someone is available to go with them or not. Kudos!

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  3. I do feel pressure when I go out to eat with other people to order something similar to what they are ordering, but I'm pretty sure in my case that it's just in my head. Sometimes when I go out I try to make the healthiest choices, but other times I go out because I want a specific dish. I don't figure anyone has the right to food police anyone else. I'm sorry that this decision wasn't an easy one for you. If it had been easy you wouldn't be writing about it today. Maybe next time these people will have the foresight to actually invite you more than a day in advance.

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    1. Yeah, when I want a specific dish, I don't care what anyone thinks about my choice...healthy or not. Some places specialize in something only they carry then I might splurge. We've just made it a steadfast rule that weeknights are no night to have meals that could derail us.

      It was actually an easy decision, it's just irritating when people try to bend you to their will. These are people that know me well enough to know that doesn't work. We're always somehow expected to drop everything but if the situation were reversed, we would never think of asking them to cancel their plans. I would just like everyone to play by the same rules. ;-)

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  4. Oh my goodness, I find myself doing the justification dance with food ALL THE DAMN TIME. That is definitely something that I am working through and is definitely an issue that I have with food. Sometimes I just don't give an F and then other days, depending on who it is, I'm justifying left right and centre. I mean, who REALLY CARES. You're so right with this.

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    1. I think it tends to be a bigger issue when someone has lost weight like we feel all eyes are on us judging every bite we put in our mouths. I think the majority of people don't really care but you have people either subtly let you know they notice or even who will actually comment on it. (I haven't run into that but I've heard some stories that would get me booted from a table.)

      I mean I notice when someone who has never had a weight problem eats a ton of food and stays so thin because I think "damn, not fair!" or "must be nice!" but I'd never say anything, you know? Food especially in public is such a slippery slope because even when you're letting yourself have something higher cal, you still wonder if people around you are judging what you ordered. I know I feel bad when we don't have a take out box like skinny folk but hey, I was hungry and I usually just leave whatever is left (if there is any) on my plate. Sigh...the mental game that seems to go along with food and being with others!

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  5. Anele, I actually used to feel more judgmental eyes when I would go to a buffet and load up my plate, or have seconds of the bread, or gorge myself on the chips and salsa at a restaurant than I do today when I do none of those. I eat no bread, limit my chip consumption to under 5 chips usually (I won't say I'm successful at limiting myself that much ALL the time), and avoid buffets if possible. If I end up at a buffet, as we did at a cancer fundraiser last month, I try to eat the healthy stuff, of course salt content is not a consideration--it's unknown and very high I'm sure. The only comment I got when I went to lunch with some friends I used to work with earlier this month, after I asked for a diet dressing for my salad when none was available at the salad bar was, "You're so good." This was from a co-worker who used to judge me severely, and not always just with her eyes. To weigh less than her was one of my less than honorable goals, and today I DO! Considerably less I would say, NOT that I'm judging her! When I go out with extended family, nothing is said when I order salad with a lite dressing, and broccoli as my sides, and sometimes salad as my main dish, in fact nobody seems to even notice. The other day I was picking out the croutons from my salad, trying not to eat so many of them, and my daughter-in-law ate them. She appreciated the fact that I was eating light I guess. For me, I felt the judgment a lot more when I was heavy, of course it might have all been imagined on my part. But today, when I eat healthy at least 95% of the time, I feel no judgment from others. I guess I picked supportive friends and relatives. Or perhaps they too realize that I was digging myself an early grave with my spoon and are happy I'm going to be around a while. Good luck with those judgers. If, like my friends and relatives, some of them could stand to eat a little healthier too, you should take solace in the fact that you will probably live a longer, healthier live than them.

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    1. Oh I'm sure if we went out when we were at our heaviest, I would've felt the judgment when I was in restaurants. But we would order from a restaurant, pick it up and eat it at home/at a hotel so we wouldn't have to even be in that situation. Buffets? Nope, can't even do them because I just couldn't stand the possibility of something being said when I walked by with my plate of food.

      I think for people who feel uncomfortable that we aren't loosening the reins for "just one night" either have never had a weight problem and don't know the implications or they DO have a weight problem and it just brings their less than healthy choices to the forefront in their own minds. There aren't many people I know who couldn't stand to eat a little healthier just for the sake of feeling better overall, not necessarily to lose weight either.

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  6. Not sure I understand about the reminders and I'm not judging you in this. I'm glad you made the best choice for you. But I have a pet peeve about setting a date with someone and them then calling me over and over and over to confirm it. Maybe they're insecure and have been stood up too many times but they don't get back on my calendar after I experience this more than once with them. I just don't have time for this. And we have set a SPECIFIC date and time, not some vague next month thing. Ok, vent over.

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    1. Oh I get it even though I've never dealt with that personally. But no one ever made plans with me! No one even called to ask me. So if this gathering was planned and everyone else said they were coming but you hadn't heard from one couple, don't you think a follow up is in order instead of calling less than 24 hours before and trying to get them to change their plans? I certainly don't need to be reminded. When someone makes plans with me, it goes on the calendar, I check with them a few days before to see if we're still on and finalize any details if need be and it's done. I think if someone was constantly confirming over and over I'd just have to say "I said yes, I don't know what more you want but you ask me again and I'm cancelling!" ;-)

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  7. I totally get it. My entire family is overweight, or obese.. ANY time we go out, or even eat at my parents, I'M the one that gets the glaring looks, the questions about my food, etc. I do what I want, you do what you want, I DON'T care! I don't make excuses for what I do, I certainly don't need to hear theirs. Good for you, staying on track and doing what YOU want!

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    1. It stinks but I'm glad someone can relate a bit. Its like you're made to feel bad about having any kind of weight loss success and they're just waiting for you to slip up and gain it back or something. At least that's how it can feel. Eyes on your own plate people! ;-)

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  8. I've gotten "the look" from people on both sides. If I order something on my food plan that is considered "healthy" I've seen the eye roll, the quick barb along the lines of "well, I'm treating myself, I've earned it." On the flip side, if I choose to have something that is heavy on the carbs, I've heard, "you really shouldn't eat carbs like that" or "wow, that's a lot of food." I don't choose to view food as a "treat" anymore because that's what got me into trouble decades ago. The concept that I "deserve" this or that is not healthy for me because I can't moderate it. I respect that other people can, but I know my limits when it comes to food and I know to the depths of my heart that I can't do that. On the flip side of that, I can honestly that I don't pay attention to what others eat, even if they are complaining about not losing weight but having a lot to eat. I figure everyone has to find for themselves what works and what does and that'll only happen when they are ready. I remember being very defensive back in the day because I wasn't ready to change and I didn't want anyone calling me out on it. Or even worse, you're following your own food plan and are still heavy and someone snickers that obviously it's not working. I think that's why I've learned to not talk about my food choices with people because a comment always has to be made one way or the other. I don't need the criticism and I don't need the praise because I'm meeting someone else's view of what's "healthy". There's actually only group of friends that I go out to eat with because of that nonsense. With them, it's about the conversations, not about the food and I can sit there and be myself either way.

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