Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Ridiculously inappropriate

via
Last night was the first time I've attempted Turbo Fire in two weeks.  With the heinous, bunged up state of my legs, I've been backing off of anything too strenuous but wanted to see how the ol' gams stacked up.  They didn't fair well.

When I'm in pain, I have a hard time focusing.  I was driven to distraction several times and my mind was wandering.  Here's a rundown that you will probably want to skip.  You seriously will regret wasting your time on this one because it's about ridiculously inappropriate body functions that will likely have people hitting the unsubscribe button.

Still here huh?  Can't say I didn't warn you.

1) My workout partner broke wind.  I don't wanna call anyone out but...it was the Mr.  Now, we have a rule.  If you feel it coming, you have to run to a neutral spot like the basement landing or by the washing machine and/or spray the air freshener so that both people are not marinating in the vapors.  It's the right thing to do.  But then he stood there holding his stomach staring at me as I was continuing.  I yelled "holding your gut doesn't burn calories!  Do something!"  Basically, in my world, floating an air biscuit is no excuse for stopping even if you're suffering in your own stench.

2)  Then I broke wind.  I was unaware this was going to happen.  It was a surprise party in my compression shorts.  I gave a look of shame and sprayed air freshener.   This had to be done twice.  Note to self:  look over your food diary to see what the hell happened there.

    2a)  After spraying air freshener, the mat on the floor became a redneck slip n' slide.  I was trying not to      fall and kill myself.  "Woman dies on Glade covered floor mat after assplosion.

    2b)  Speaking of compression shorts, does anyone else have the issue of letting one fly (intentionally or not) and it becomes trapped in the lycra and just volleys back and forth for like five minutes?  You just pray for squats or something so you can set it free.  I call this punani ping pong.  If I were a hashtagging type it'd probably be HeftyGalProblems.

3) When we were done, I needed to have the Mr deep tissue massage the back of my legs.  I'm pretty sure he was thinking "for the love of God, my face is right near your butt please keep it to yourself."  I was thinking "for the love of God intestinal tract, if you let loose now, the man will never massage me again.  Behave!"

See, I told you that you'd regret reading all the way through.  Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some Beano to pop before tonight's workout.

Relate to any of this?  Do you have body function rules if you workout at home?  Ever pass one at the gym/yoga class?  We're all friends here.

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15 comments:

  1. I'm cracking up. The "punani ping pong" happens sometimes even if I'm wearing regular clothes. Usually it's if I'm sitting. The fart just takes the path of least resistance, which is forward (hey, the way a woman's crotch is designed it's like the fart has a little track to race down). Then it has the chance to morph from a fart into a queef/fart hybrid. That's fun.

    Man, the human body is so gross. And funny. But mostly gross.

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    1. Okay, I don't feel so bad then! I thought it was just something that I went through. But yes, it does have race track of sorts so it makes sense. One time it shot out the side into my thigh crack and I was horrified such a thing was possible.

      The body is indeed gross.

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  2. I plead the 5th! This was hilarious though. Embarrassing, but hilarious!

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    1. You gave your stamp of approval, I gave you the chance to veto! LOL

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  3. Nothing like squatting into a fart. Yeah. I have even had to get off the treadmill so I could run to the bathroom for a gut cleansing poop. The intestine has no respect for time and place does it.

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    1. Oh there is nothing worse than when you're in mid-workout and nature has other plans. The intestine needs to get with the schedule!

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  4. It happens. It's gross, but it happens. Nothing you can do.

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  5. LOVE your blog. You really know how to tell a story HAHA!

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    1. Aww thanks! Either that or I just have no shame. :-)

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  6. I think I died laughing! I come from a family of farters, and I married into one. The first night I met my father-in-law, he farted all over me in Walmart. The 3rd time my now husband met my sister, they had a farting contest. My husband and children think that there is nothing funnier than a fart. There are no rules when it comes to this besides in the "bedroom". My husband will, as he calls it "crap all over you" anywhere, anytime. He doesn't care. My sister-in-laws husband is the same way. We were at St. Augustine one time at night, and my SIL and I were talking at the fort and there was a guy with his kids right around the corner. My husband lets one loose and then took off so it looked like it was us. The guy was mad! My husband and BIL did it all in Chattanooga Aquarium and the Smithsonian. Can't tell you how crowded those places are. They have no shame. And then my husband has the gall to look at me all disgusted when I happen to let one slip.

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    1. Oh man, I think I'd travel with a gas mask. You're surrounded by it! I'll admit, I'm guilty of "helicoptering" around a place like a zoo where there are a lot of people to blame. The Mr gets mad because he can't do that as helicoptering requires discretion. He is loud when he tries and I will run away from him.

      Isn't that always the way when a chick lets it slip. The man looks at you like "you filthy beast!"

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  7. OMG, I'm dying! Punani ping pong?!? Never have I ever heard a better description! Redneck slip and slide, AHHHHH!!!! LOVE this blog, love you! Thanks for the laughs!

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    1. I am so glad that punani ping pong is not just a me thing! HA! I was sure I was going to slip on that air freshener residue and break my head open on the concrete. We have a fan on down there when we workout so spray will travel further than it should. You are very welcome for the laughs! :-)

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  8. Lol'ed...too funny!! Punani ping pong...that's a classic right there!

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