Wednesday, February 26, 2014
When I'm in pain, I have a hard time focusing. I was driven to distraction several times and my mind was wandering. Here's a rundown that you will probably want to skip. You seriously will regret wasting your time on this one because it's about ridiculously inappropriate body functions that will likely have people hitting the unsubscribe button.
Still here huh? Can't say I didn't warn you.
1) My workout partner broke wind. I don't wanna call anyone out but...it was the Mr. Now, we have a rule. If you feel it coming, you have to run to a neutral spot like the basement landing or by the washing machine and/or spray the air freshener so that both people are not marinating in the vapors. It's the right thing to do. But then he stood there holding his stomach staring at me as I was continuing. I yelled "holding your gut doesn't burn calories! Do something!" Basically, in my world, floating an air biscuit is no excuse for stopping even if you're suffering in your own stench.
2) Then I broke wind. I was unaware this was going to happen. It was a surprise party in my compression shorts. I gave a look of shame and sprayed air freshener. This had to be done twice. Note to self: look over your food diary to see what the hell happened there.
2a) After spraying air freshener, the mat on the floor became a redneck slip n' slide. I was trying not to fall and kill myself. "Woman dies on Glade covered floor mat after assplosion.
2b) Speaking of compression shorts, does anyone else have the issue of letting one fly (intentionally or not) and it becomes trapped in the lycra and just volleys back and forth for like five minutes? You just pray for squats or something so you can set it free. I call this punani ping pong. If I were a hashtagging type it'd probably be HeftyGalProblems.
3) When we were done, I needed to have the Mr deep tissue massage the back of my legs. I'm pretty sure he was thinking "for the love of God, my face is right near your butt please keep it to yourself." I was thinking "for the love of God intestinal tract, if you let loose now, the man will never massage me again. Behave!"
See, I told you that you'd regret reading all the way through. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some Beano to pop before tonight's workout.
Relate to any of this? Do you have body function rules if you workout at home? Ever pass one at the gym/yoga class? We're all friends here.
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