Monday, July 8, 2013

Down the rabbit hole

I swear I feel like I'm falling...


I don't know if this is a funk, the beginning of the end (I hope not...I really don't want to see 500 lbs just for shits and giggles) or a passing speed bump that the department of transportation just made REEEEALLY steep but I'm being tested and failing.  (Not miserably but more than my comfort zone)

I feel old habits trying to get a foot hold.  I feel numb to the whole thing.  I feel like I really don't give a shit right now so how could I expect you to.  I can barely inspire myself so I feel like I can't possibly inspire you.I guess at least I'm still exercising?

This is it folks.  The whole weight loss "journey" (barf) isn't always pretty and not always rainbows shooting out of your butt.  Sometimes it's you trying to claw your way out of a binge day that you have no friggin' idea why you felt justified having.  Sometimes it's you hearing old excuses popping up in your head and letting them slip out of your face to see if they fly and don't bat an eye when they do.  Sometimes it's popping in an old tape of you at 390 pounds hoping to get some kind of emotion out of yourself and you feel nothing.

Sometimes...it's scary.

How do you get out of this mindset if you've ever been in it?

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25 comments:

  1. I wish I could offer you some sage advice but I have been sliding down the slippery slope myself for quite some time now (to the tune of 65 pounds re-gained). I am sick about it but that doesn't seem to stop me with my destructive habits. I hope you find your way soon. take care

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  2. We find ourselves in a funk from time to time but we've stuck it out and it seems like as long as we recognize it early enough then we can get through it relatively unscathed. It's good that you're catching it early and we can take steps now to reverse things. Even if you don't feel gung ho about doing much, there are times where just following the plan even if you have to go through the motions a little bit can help keep you on track somewhat until you're ready to take the bull by the horns again. I know we can do this!

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  3. Well I have been in that funk for 6months now..and nowadays I try to motivate myself with little things..like if I lose these 5lbs I will buy a pair of shoes, etc etc...but mostly u have to have the direct approach..talk yourself into it...
    take care and I know u guys will motivate each other and get out of this!!!

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  4. It is an addiction, and it is forever. I find myself trying to forget the consequences, and just continuing to gorge myself. You know....like we used to live all the time! I have put back on about 10 pounds from where I'd like to be and need to reverse this trend. It's tough to stay motivated all the time, and that's where your blog and other's blogs on the Internet sure come in handy for me. I also love Spark People, a conglomeration of people all trying to drop weight. I've also got my 328 lb. picture on the front of my fridge. But when I look at it, I can't even remember being there. Still I know, it would take very little effort to be right back there and it's definitely not a place I ever want to go. That ought to be plenty of motivation, but when you get in that bad place, you ignore everything, you block it out and just keep eating. You remember when you were losing weight and wonder, "How do I get back to that mindset and how do I practice that self-discipline again?"

    This is not a race, so if it takes a little longer....that's okay. We've got the rest of our lives. We'll get there.

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  5. Here are two things I do that have decent results.

    1. Slow down my goals. Right now I'm going day to day. I set up to three healthy goals for the day. I usually go for one exercise one and two food ones. Then just work to do those on that day. And I focus on the mantra "focus on what you are doing, not what you have to do". (I used to set up goals for the whole week, but seeing all that "work" set out before me started to drain me, so I plan only one day at a time for now)

    2. Harness your negative feelings. I have to warn to be careful with this one, since negative feelings can devour you if you let them. For me, I harness the competitive feelings I have toward my sister. So if I don't feel like exercising I'll chide myself "she's going to beat you, you can't let her be skinnier than you". Works for food, too. (for the record, right now my sister is recovering from leg surgery so I use that fact to motivate me--"she's losing valuable time, take advantage of her down time and work hard!").

    For the record, I NEVER mention this to my sister. The last thing I'd ever want to do is derail her healthy work, so I keep the competitive stuff to myself. It's like my own little secret.

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  6. I am slipping into old habits right now. I saw as low as 217 a couple weeks ago and now in cslebration I have bounced up to 226. ARGH! I need to cook at home!!! Good luck getting rainbows out of your ass again lol!

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  7. Looks like you're not alone huh? I've been there for quite a while now myself. I see the old habits coming back, I see the weight coming back, I see the clothes not fitting, and I can't seem to do what I need to do.
    You are an inspiration, but it's not your job to motivate us - we all have to do that for ourselves.
    Rainbows out your butt is not your style, and that's good because that would be one smelly rainbow.

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  8. I'm not sure if you have already done this, but maybe you and your husband should be in counseling. You have come so far and its such a hard journey, there is bound to be so much emotional baggage you carry around.

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  9. What do I do? now that I have have regained 30 pounds? And I KNOW you don't want that!!!

    What I do is what I did today..

    I decided. I made a plan. And I am going to get through today. It is tough when we get into the entitlement headset but we just cannot live there. You're right, it is ugly and hard and stupid and I hate that I can't be "normal" and eat like everyone else but I can't. So unless I'm going to weigh 300 pounds again, I have to knock it off. And today is the day.

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  10. You are still exercising. You have Mr. to help you. Grab that bull, and go through the motions, like he suggested. You don't have to "feel" it to do it! I totally made myself go to the pool this fine morn, wanted to go back to bed so badly....why oh why do we want to sabotage our own selves? I just can't figure it out. Thank you for sharing, I am rooting for you guys as I fight this daily fight too!!!!

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  11. Not that it is any help, but by the looks of the comment thread there are a bunch of us sliding down the rabbit hole with you. I don't know what it is but my motivation has tanked in the last 2 weeks. I start a workout and half way through I'm like screw it, I'm done. Start out the day eating good, see a butterfly and go "ooh ice cream yeah that's what I want".

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  12. I feel your pain. I think what the Mr. said holds real value - "fake it 'till you make it", as it were. You have already come SO far and if you just stick to the plan, you will see results in time. It's really good that you recognize this negative down-spiral for what it is, and that you caught it early. You have the power to choose what you put into your body, and you have the power to continue exercising daily. You have consistently made good choices so far; I have complete confidence that you will continue to make healthy choices for yourself. You have more power than you realize! You will succeed.

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  13. You are so not alone on this one. I've only been at it for a year and three months, and I'm so sick and tired of logging and counting and logging some more. I just want to enjoy life, eat what I want, and sit around when I feel lazy.

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  14. Lol. The reason I love your blog is because you don't have rainbows coming out of your butt!!! I have faith in you though. Don't let your failures define you. Overcome them and they will make you stronger! You've come such a long way and I think it's certainly ok to take a break once and a while if you get burnt out. But do be careful of old habits! They've definitely led me down a slippery slope before!!

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  15. I totally understand where you're coming from. I don't really have an answer, but I feel like it must be normal to go through these phases. It's just harder for some people to lose weight, for whatever reason, and it's different for someone who has a very large amount of weight to lose. You can get your mojo back. I have been struggling myself. I am great for a few days and then a funk hits and I just want to eat everything in sight. I am up about 4 pounds from where I was, and it's just holding steady. I long to live like most of the people I know, who don't have to watch what they eat, or bust ass with the exercise. It's a long hard road.

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  16. I find the best way to get out of a troubling mindset is to not think about it so much. All of my slips and backslides or whatever you want to call them are triggered by hormones and/or emotions in a tizzy. For the passionate among us, our very nature just gets in the way. Take a break from the self-beatdown and go shopping. Splurge on one of your "crush" items and enjoy it. Plan an extra naughty night with the Mr. that involves no food. You'll be back on track in no time.

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  17. When I got into that funk, it was partially because I knew my thyroid was out of whack, even though the blood tests didn't confirm it, and partially because I was so tired from radiation therapy. Finally getting medication for the first one and finishing the second one left me able to get back at it but with no motivation, as I had regained over half of what I lost in the first place. I just waited it out...did my best to keep doing what I knew worked, although I couldn't make myself exercise. Then I got interested in expanding my garden, and that was hard work! So, no formal exercise, but still burned calories. Finally, just a couple of weeks ago, I switched up my eating plan based on a couple of articles I read in Prevention magazine. Right now, I'm eating mostly vegetarian (ovo-lacto variety) on M-W-F, and very low carb (50 grams or less) on T-Th. It's actually helping me trim a few calories from my daily fare, but not enough to account for the results: dropped 5 lbs. over two weeks. For me, that's amazing.

    Otherwise, I echo what everyone else has said, it's normal, it's to be expected, and it isn't something to make you give up. It's ok to be bummed about it, but keep to the plan and it will get better.

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  18. Thank you for sharing. You are so funny and clever - to know that you are human, too, helps to better connect with you. We are all in this together. Have faith - you will figure it out. When you do, please share.

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  19. I'm here with you everyday on the way:)

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  20. I know for me I call it being "in the food" and the "food fog" which I use for complete numbing power. I have the I-don't-give-a-shit attitude when I've had a binge (or even just gone off my food plan and eaten something I KNOW I shouldn't have eaten because it spins me out of control from the first bite) because I'm in a food fog for a good 3 days. And that fog consists of the self-recriminations and the old behavior patterns (which compound the issue!). So I get it, my friend. I have to keep going back to the mantra of "just for today" I'm going to eat what's on my menu for today and exercise as I had planned. I'm not going to even think about tomorrow. I did that today as a matter of fact because I have the strongest compulsion to binge because of a doctor's appt I have coming up on Thursday (happens every single time). And sometimes the only thing I can do is to pray and ask God to remove the compulsion to eat.

    I suspect one thing that might be going on with you that's at the forefront of this is the situation with your friend. Subconscious or not, that might have been a trigger. Someone told me the other day something that really struck a chord with me, and you and I are a lot alike in this regard so you'll appreciate it. I was told to "get out of my head". That I spend too much time in there and not enough time just being in the moment. Either thinking about the past or obsessing about the future. So I'm working on "getting out of my head." =o)

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  21. One thing that really worked for me to help break the funk was a 1 day diet - simply wake up that morning and pledge to follow your plan perfectly for that day, it so short term that it feels easier than thinking about the big picture.

    It's one day, anyone can do one day perfect right? That's what I told myself. Then the next day I tell myself the same thing and suddenly you're back in the swing of things again.

    Just gaining back that one day of control was enough to pull be back from the edge of quitting entirely.

    Martina

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  22. I love to read your blog. You inspire me to want to be the best me I can be. I am praying for you both, that you find your "want to" again soon.

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  23. Sometimes I really love the timing of your blogs. I've been feeling the same way latley. Did I mention I ate a whole box, repeat whole box, of ice cream bars yesterday? I feel crappy about it in so many ways. I've also been eating bigger portions and not recording the calories correctly. Plus my knees are killing me from working out. *Sigh* But what else is there to do but press on? Keep on keepin on!

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  24. You do what you've always done, what's always worked, what's been your "secret" to success all these many pounds down the road. You keep doing what works. You keep exercising no matter how you feel, no matter what the numbers say, no matter where the emotional meter is (top of the scale or bottom of the scale). You keep eating the right foods, enjoying the victories that you once only dreamt possible, dreaming of triumphs yet to come, choosing wardrobes yet to be worn, envisioning activities and scenarios that you once never dared to even hope would come to be a reality. One by one, you've MADE them become realities to this point. I have every faith in you that you will continue to make them happen. I don't have even one tiny doubt about that, about you. Despite the fact that you're human and hit speed bumps and roadblocks like the rest of us, one thing you are not is a quitter. When you get to a point where there is no way? You CREATE a way in the classy, beautiful way that is all your own. You will this time, too.

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  25. ((hugs)) Hold on! Life sure is bumpy and guess what? You're kicking it's ass.

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