Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Letting fear become your fact

I wanted to thank everyone for their kind responses to my freak out yesterday.  I wish I could say my heart isn't still beating out of my chest but it is.  I think it's because before it was such a distant thing and now it's a couple of calendar flips away.  I think the biggest part of why its affecting me is because of the part I can't train for...getting on the board in the water.  I'm going to have this tiny little local boy who can easily whip up on his board like it's nothing and I picture finding the right way to kneel onto the board getting far enough over to get my other leg/knee on the board without looking like a beached manatee...or farting in his face.  From that point on, I'm pretty confident.

I know, that seems like such a small thing but I am a control freak and not being in control of that part just freaks me out.  I know people say "what's the worst that could happen?"  Well I liken it to 2011 when we went to Napa and I surprised the Mr with a hot air balloon ride over wine country.  (I still crack up that two non-drinkers spent the first few days of their 15 year anniversary in wine country without drinking a single sip of wine.)  I wasn't worried about being 2500 feet over land, running into electrical wires and plummeting to our deaths, about highly flammable tanks malfunctioning...nope.  I saw the balloon and that there was no step stool to get in.  I hounded the people about how on Earth were you supposed to enter the thing and was freaked out about our weights (just over 300).  They said there were "steps" built into the basket and you ladder climb up them and into the basket.  Oh yeah, sounds simple.  So was it as bad as I thought?  Yes.  It sucked.  I was the first one in and pulled my thigh crack because it was so awkward for a tall, fat chick to attempt to hop down into a big wicker basket 4' deep with people behind you waiting to get in.  The only "upside?"  No one did it gracefully.  Thinner people did it less graceful including someone who actually dove into the basket.  I was just glad it wasn't me.  I made a point to not watch people getting in so as to not make them more nervous.

The paddle boarding is going to be the first appointment in the morning and that's fine but you have a bunch of companies that launch off of that site not just for SUP (stand up paddle) but rafts going out to the ocean and making waves.  I remember how intently the local in the raft last time was watching the Mr and throwing in his two cents and as I listen to him on the video, it makes me want to reach through the screen and punch him.  We weren't paying you for your instruction Mr. Mouth, even if one thing he said..."look at the horizon"...was the best advice someone could give to keep your balance.  There were like 5 instructors and clients all standing around focusing just on him and while he can block that crap out, I'm not as adept.  I'm sure it will be different when I'm actually doing it but I HATE that I over-analyze so much.  I'm a dweller...what can I say.  That's never going to change.  This trip has the potential to be a life changer in the best possible way or send me into a social coma curled up in the fetal position and picking nits off of each other for food.

I cannot let fear become my fact.  I just have to accept that this is what I do.  I freak out, I am and always will be a worst case scenario person.  I will analyze, re-analyze and sometimes I will do something I am uncomfortable with for myself and/or for others.  And yes, sometimes I will chicken out.  If someone asked me if I would do a hot air balloon ride again, would I?  In a hot second with the right company.  Because for as crappy an entrance as I made into the basket and the 2 days of walking funny afterward, that isn't the first thing I remember.  I think of the 52 minutes of floating over green valleys, seeing other balloons in the air around us, the sun rising over the mountain and how I can't help but smile every time I hear Fifth Dimension's "Up Up and Away."  I know the same will likely be true for this regardless of how terrified I am.

FYI-  Under my instruction, the Mr booked it.  Now if I back out, we lose $65.

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21 comments:

  1. I am so proud of you! You are not giving in to fear of what others think of you and that is no easy feat, but you're doing it! I know you will do so well because you've been training as much as you can for it. I will be there cheering you on and my voice is the only one you need to listen to anyway, well, besides your instructor of course!

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    1. Well, I haven't done it yet so save your pride until 9:30am that day.

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  2. Now I will harness my inner Tony Little (remember him, with his flowing curly mullet and giant muscles, hawking his exercise routines and machines?) and yell:

    "YOU CAN DO III-IT!"

    (if for no other reason then you don't want to lose the money)

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    1. OMG I forgot about that guy. Yike.

      I'm incredibly cheap so yeah, money alone could be the motivator.

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  3. This is going to sound incredibly stupid, but is there any way you could put a similar-style board in a kiddie pool and practice? :)

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    1. Not stupid at all, it's nothing I haven't thought of already. To use a board that supports my weight it would need to be a 12 footer and that's oh, about $900. If only I could rent a board and a night at the Y with no one in it.

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  4. Girl, you can do it! You are just psyching yourself out. I think you'll be glad you did it. I was convinced I was not going snorkeling (ever, but especially this trip) and it was kind of a spurr of the moment thing so I couldn't think about it. And I knew if Andrew was with me I'd be fine. I was scared at first but I did it and I'm proud I did. Sometimes you just gotta show yourself you can do it (even when you are scared out of your mind). It just takes 20 seconds of insane courage. You can do this

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    1. Thanks girl! Child, you're skinny, snorkeling should be a breeze for you. No one would mistake you for a large sea creature. :P

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  5. I've got two platitudes for you, as if you needed anything like that. The first is 'Feel the fear and do it anyway.' That's the title of a book, do you have it? The second is FEAR as an acronym, for False Evidence Appearing Real. That said, I'm a sissy about lots of things, so I can empathize. Glad you booked it--that's the only way to confront fear (head on).

    Large sea creature, snort. That sounds like my sister-in-law, who claims she can't sink and that her stepdaughter used to use her as a flotation device. Compared to her, your figure is sylphlike, and SHE wears a bathing suit wherever she damned well pleases. ;-)

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    1. We'll see if I get with either platitude.

      Some people have that gumption, some don't. I might go snorkeling at dawn before people hit the beach...well, except for the sharks. That's their trolling time.

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  6. If you aren't already, practice the moves of getting on the board and standing up on the floor then they won't be so awkward when you have to do it on the actual board in the water.

    As for snorkeling, once you get past the fear of being mistaken for a sea creature it is fabulous. I did it in the Bahamas and was totally amazed at all the cool stuff under there, Hawaii would be even better.

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    1. Yep, I practiced doing that and where to place my feet as I get up. I've watched the Mr's lesson several times.

      I've snorkeled in Hawaii before and even at about the same weight, maybe less now than then. I'm not a fan of water getting in the tube because I almost drown as a teenager so I freak out easily. I'll just have to stake down the towels as close to the shoreline without getting sucked in by the waves so I don't have as far to run out of the water.

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  7. Good for you for booking it!!! I think you will enjoy it or die trying! ha! Go girl!

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  8. I'm so happy you're in a better place about this today! I am just the same way about things. I freak out about what chair I'm going to sit in or whatever and yes, there have been some embarassing times and sometimes I avoid certain situations (like the theater) but once I go and sit, I'm happy I went. I've also learned to ask for what I need, even if its embarassing. My friends are understanding and willing to adjust.

    I'm behind you 100%! Can't wait to see some snorkeling pics!

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    1. I do the same thing. I mean the chair stuff and theaters have gotten better but there is always that initial panic, I wonder if there always will be. I'm glad your friends are understanding, that's a big help and often times people are too embarrassed to ask for what they need. I missed a lot of opportunities years ago because I didn't do what you did so good on ya!

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  9. I have a hard time with snorkeling too. I'm a swimmer and don't fear the water (just what might be swimming with me) but breathing with my face underwater is just not natural and it totally freaks me out. I've done it, but it's not high on my list of things to do again. I hope you enjoy it though.

    You'll be fine with the paddle board. I know you will. I bet you'll surprise yourself with how well you actually do. And if you don't enjoy it then you will have learned something to0.

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    1. Yeah, the whole breathing with your face underwater is so weird. For me I've had a wave crash over me and water go into the tube and I just panic instead of blowing it out like the Mr aka Flipper does. He's like a damn mer-man.

      I'm sure I'll love it. Then I'll have to find a way to justify dropping $2K we don't have on boards. LOL

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  10. Oh, I am so glad to hear that you booked it. Yay! That is the first hurdle. :) Even if you do have trouble getting up onto the board, you definitely won't be the first or the last--just like with the hot air balloon. I can't wait to hear all about it because I just know you will rock it!

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  11. That's right! Remember, FEELINGS AREN'T FACTS!!!! You are going to do great because you're going and facing your fears. Facing them is what's "perfect", not how well you do. You got this, girl!!!

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  12. People quite often use t-shirts when snorkeling, just to avoid sun burns in their back, would that make you feel any better about it? You can even wear some lengthy swimming shorts to protect the back of your thighs from the sun.

    I'm exactly the same weight as you, maybe an inch shorter, but in a terrible physical condition, haven't done any exercise in ages, let alone even anything close to yours, and I'm happily wearing swim suits and even bikinis. I know this doesn't help you cope with your feelings in any possible way, but just wanted to confirm that it is physically possible to wear a swim suit in this weight :)

    You are entitled to feeling all the feelings you feel! No need to deny any of them. Just accept them as they come and then decide how you want to act. I'm absolutely sure you will handle the situation extremely well and it's great you have started to process the feelings and thoughts related to it already now.

    All the best!!

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