Monday, April 2, 2012
Mental mind f...udge
The Mr is doing some project for our anniversary involving pictures. He brought a bunch of them down and I was irritated that he was doing a secret project in front of my face. It would be like someone saying "I'm going to do this really awesome thing 3 feet from you but you can't see so pfffft!" When he wasn't in the room, I looked at the photo albums and pics in boxes he'd been going through and scanning.
My heart broke. I don't connect with those people in the pictures anymore. It is very hard for me to now see anything other than how fat we were in almost every picture we took. The joy is gone. The moment we were trying to capture is now tainted by how out of control we let ourselves get. The early pics are fine because we were teenagers and we were still somewhat "normal fat" in appearance but the the rest of them? All I see are fat cheeks, double/triple chins, a scrunched face trying to exist on the beach ball that was my face for so long and every other flaw imaginable. The ones that hurt the worst? The wedding pics. I barely recognize those kids. I look at those pictures and think "why the hell didn't you lose the weight!?! You had a 2 year engagement!!!" There is no bigger regret than being a fat bride. Pictures I used to look at that made me smile now make me a little sad. I'm not even THAT much less than I was then, 40 lbs less but my face is so much thinner and I have collarbones.
I know people are going to think I'm crazy or being melodramatic but until you've been as overweight as we were/are, you can't fully grasp the feelings that go with that when you're reminded that you wasted a good part of your youth being morbidly obese. I hope that these feelings pass but I have a bad feeling they won't. I will never lose empathy for the "old us" but it won't make me any less full of regret when I see those memories tarnished by our unhealthy way of life.
Has anyone who has lost weight had these same feelings? How did/do you handle them?
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Labels: Deep Thoughts